For approximately thirty minutes last night I was able to meditate successfully. No, I did not achieve moksha, but I did gain some insight and I actually felt quite…different.

My previous attempts at meditation this month have all been rather frustrated. I have usually been unable to focus my mind, or have been too distracted by physical pains or other worries.

Tonight was different, I felt calm and confident as I sat on the floor, lower back propped up against the couch for support. Legs folded, hands crossed, eyes closed, mind blanking. As various itches, pains and worries cropped up I focused on them until they disappeared.

Eventually I became aware that the lower half of my body was slowly falling asleep, but I ignored the pesky sensory perceptions and focused on my thoughts. This had happened before, so I wasn’t worried. But then as I returned my focus to my breathing, I realized it had become so shallow that it was almost imperceptible. It felt as if no air was passing through my nose, and I was aware only of the rising and falling of my chest. This hadn’t happened before, I was excited.

Next, I began getting strange sensations, like there were no divisions between my mind and my body. Now I have been told about the psychology of meditation, and so I was actually prepared for this next new development. Meditation can apparently alter your state of consciousness to make it appear like your mind is the only thing that is, and that everything else has just melted away.

Now I wasn’t reaching “oneness with allthatness”, but I suspect I had very brief glimpses of a state that was similar to that. In other words, a very large stretch from the Form of Meditation, but at least I am on the right track.

Anyway, during this period of reflection I think I gained insight as to why Jains and other spiritual practitioners, as well as some philosophers, have been so adamant about withdrawing from the senses and from the material world. In that state of mind, all that exists are your thoughts, and you are free to wander between them so long as you can maintain your focus. It is a state of peace and calm that removes all your previous worries and afflictions. Though I was still conscious of my body’s discomfort, if I focused on it, my pain and my body ceased to be an issue. I can now appreciate the difference that is being stressed on jiva and ajiva, mind and body.

As I began meditating I wondered about the nature of separating oneself from material pleasures. I could see the significance in relation to my own life, as entertainment and material wants took up valuable time, time that could be spent in contemplation and reflection. But a life without material pleasures, especially relationships, seemed to me to be devoid of happiness. Sure I could be a hermit and develop insights into philosophy and the self, but at the cost of my own personal well being.

But later on, as I began to understand what all this meditating business was about; I saw the real reason for this abstinence was that the external world not only takes up time, but it intrudes. It makes you lose focus of what is really important- the fulfillment of the self. You, substituted from all things material, that essential jiva inside the case of meat. This calm, peaceful bit of potential within all of us that is desperate to be free. That is what the Jain saints strive for by following their five vows unerringly- realization of the self through denial of all else.

I stopped, quite frankly, because I had begun to drool on myself. One must make note to keep ones mouth closed whilst deep in thought. Afterwards my legs hurt and my head ached. I have not completely ruled out the possibility that because of my shallow breathing my brain was not getting enough oxygen, and hence I was actually on the verge of losing consciousness rather than on the verge of enlightenment. I have never actually lost consciousness this way before, so I don’t know. It is the morning after now and my head still hurts, though this may be unrelated.

It was really nice to finally get some results. It will certainly motivate me to meditate more often. My prayers today will have an added kick of genuine belief.