Tue 16 Jan 2007
That’s right, Helen Keller is a douchebag. Today we mourn the tragic loss of one of our world’s heroes to her own douchebaggery.
Helen Keller has wronged every single person on this planet at least once. Every single one, without fail. Why? History sheds no light on this subject. Through intensive research in molecular gastronomy, I have come to a deep inner realization that allows me to understand her motivations: Helen Keller is a douchebag.
If you think she hasn’t wronged you, you are making a grave error that endangers the fate of the world. You need to start making up better stories before your friends find you boring. Feel free to share your stories of how she wronged you in the comments. Be as creative or detailed as necessary.
Me? Helen Keller used to beat me up after school while mocking my glasses, stealing my lunch money, and having sex with my girlfriend. At the same time.
I used to think this made me the saddest person ever, until my boss brightened my day by informing me that at least I had a girlfriend, albeit an unfaithful one. That cheered me up a bit, until the “albeit” part at least.
…Fucking Helen Keller.
January 17th, 2007 at 8:32 pm
Helen Keller was directly responsible for the invention my hated arch-nemesis, Cling Wrap.
‘Nough said.
January 17th, 2007 at 9:26 pm
I blame Helen Keller for supplying my childhood years with politically incorrect jokes
January 18th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
Hellen Keller. As soon as she found her voice, she used it to bitch. We tried dating for a while, and I was making progress, she was wearing brighter colours, and her and hair weren’t gray anymore, but peach and brown. I hate gray women. Anyways, it was going great until I told her to meet me in the park, but she never showed up. The next day, she banged on my door. She was flanked by an angry cross-armed gray-faced mother. She shouted at me, “What’s wrong with you! We were supposed to meet in the park today. I came one HOUR early and I waited FORTY-FIVE MINUTES for you, but you never came! You’re such a bad boyfriend. Gah, goodbye.” Her wa-wa for water became wah-wah’s. Fuck her.